Yes, it’s true – I’m in a funk lately.  Oy veh… I wish it weren’t so, but it is.  Motherhood and life are just getting to me.  Dang it.  In my late teens and early twenties I dabbled in bipolar disorder (was heavily medicated until getting off all meds to get pregnant, after which I’ve never needed medication again due to preggo hormones and breastfeeding leveling my moods out to a normal level again – fabulous!).  Maybe I’m being too hard on myself right now.  I’m just having such a hard time finding joy.  I’m feeling squelched by time scarcity, money scarcity and fun scarcity.  Then, I beat myself up – remembering The Secret – thinking that I need to focus on abundance and then our life will be abundant.  I’m not very good at The Secret.

The big root issue has to do with the fact that my husband has been working for a company that is from NYC and was working on a local contract for the past few years.  We were hoping the contract would be extended, but – alas – it isn’t so.  Now, DH is on the job hunt at Christmastime.. rock on.  It’s stressing both of us out quite a bit.  I try not to think about it, but that seems to make it worse.  We really, really, really need him to find a great job and that’s particularly tough during the current hiring freezes and economical unrest we’re all living in.  I keep clinging to my faith as my only hope that things will work out.  The alternatives for if they don’t are semi-terrifying.

However, the other day I had the thought that I could lose all my possessions (house, computers, sofas, beds, etc… basically be homeless) and if I still had my children and husband, I would still consider myself rich beyond what I deserve.  They are my jewels.  So, focusing on that, I think whatever happens, we’ll be fine.  I just need to turn off the bite-nails-from-anxiety reflex.

Things I need to get out of this funk:

  • I need a “little Christmas” – seriously, are you in that place, too?  I “need a little laughter,” “need a little music,” “need a little Christmas now.”  I’m SOOOO looking forward to Christmas Eve and Christmas morning!!  I can hardly stand it!  I’m craving my kids’ excitement and their joy.  I decided yesterday to throw our little family of 5 a Christmas Eve party.  Our kids are all toddler/preschool age so we’ll be playing holiday BINGO, making snowmen out of cotton balls and having a fancy meal together at home.  My goal is to make TONS of paper snowflakes to hang on string to make garlands to hang across our dining room ceiling.  I want the kids to wake up on Christmas Eve morning and just be blown away by the Christmas magic in our home.  I found this fabulous site, TopPartyIdeas.com, where I found some really lovely Christmas party ideas.

  • Order and organization in our home – Is it completely impossible and unreasonable to have an orderly home with 3 toddler/preschoolers?!  I’m pulling out my hair from the stress of trying to keep things picked up.  You’re thinking “oh, I bet she’s so anal that she gets upset with 3 toys on the floor..” ummmm… nope.  I’m talking about intense anxiety derived from the constant tornado of toys, shoes, pillows, clothes, etc. strewn all over our house at any given moment.  Every time I clean up a mess, the kids are busy making five more messes.  Seriously, talk about a safety risk – we’re constantly tripping over things.  It’s awful.  I consider myself to be a clean freak and our house’s constant chaos goes against every fiber of who I am and what I want in my life.  Example: last night as I’m cooking dinner, I’ve got all three kids around my feet pulling things out of our kitchen cupboards to play with (i.e. paper cups, plastic cutlery, animal crackers, pots and pans, etc.).  I used to be anti-baby-proof locks on cabinets.  I wanted my kids to feel welcome to explore our home, but this holiday break we are installing them on all our cabinets to save my sanity.  With so many busy little ones (primarily my 19 month old baby), I am giving in to the fact that I cannot be disciplining them constantly to keep them from dumping the contents of our cupboards all over the floor every day.  Over the holiday break my husband’s and my plan is also to organize our house from top to bottom.  We’re going to get baskets for every room to contain the messes.  We’re also going to go through all their toys, clothes and shoes to yank things out that are no longer used/played with much.  We want a big family, but I’m recognizing that to maintain order, we need a hard-core organization system, along with military precision at sticking to it every day.  Mission: Impossible?  I hope not.

  • Washboard abs and a tight butt – After having three kids within four years, it’s safe to say that my body hasn’t just “bounced” back to my early twenties slim figure.  My 2010 goal is to get fit and be my healthiest self.  I’m working on scheduling a set time to work out every day.  I’ve never been a very physically active person.  I got lucky by being a tiny person in high school and college, eating whatever I want, but – just as I was told it would – my bad habits caught up to me and I’m now trying to hide my double chin whenever someone snaps a pic of me.  I keep watching The Biggest Loser to inspire me to get active and healthy.  I know I’ll feel so much better and have more of myself to give by taking better care of myself.

  • More Google Friends in my sidebar… seriously, the box isn’t even full yet.. HELP… feeling kind of lame-o; should I take it off?

Maybe I’m setting unreasonable expectations for myself and my life right now.  All I know is, I need to change what I can control and not worry about the rest.  I can make our Christmas a fabulously, fun party for my kids.  I can organize and bring some sanity to our home.  I can get off my tush and take care of myself.  And, ironically, all of these things I need for me don’t just benefit myself, but help my family.

Are the winter blues biting you, too?  What are you hoping for in 2010?  What goals are you setting right now?  How do you keep order in your home?  When do you fit in a work-out?  Help!!  😉

** image of hallway from DesignSponge, image of mama exercising from Parents.com